When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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