after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize