fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i now understand why vodka
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
