U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
