Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize