I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
