you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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