shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
