I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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