I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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