I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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