I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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