Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
