Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
