who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
