I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dear god my vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
