im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
