Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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