you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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