I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
