I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
