Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
