i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
