I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
