Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Screwed.edu
I puked a lego.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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