1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
