i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she told me i tasted like america
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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