Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
