my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
