Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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