Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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