Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
