gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
