oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
