My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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