you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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