my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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