I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
