I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
