he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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