we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
