ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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