its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
