she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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