they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize