my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
