I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
