I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
