New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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