My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
