do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
