What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize