someone threw a dead crab at me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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