The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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