Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
