Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
