I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
