she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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