Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
