Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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