I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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