I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
