Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
