i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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