Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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