Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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